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I am struggling to stay sexually aroused with my younger boyfriend


I am a 32-year-old woman who is dating a 28-year-old man. I am trying my best not to give up on this young man who loves me dearly, but I’m not enjoying the sex at all and sex is very important to me. I’ve never had an issue in previous relationships with staying sexually aroused, but since being with him I’ve struggled to do so. He is the only guy I’ve been with who is younger than me. I’ve always dated men who are eight to 10 years older. At first, I thought it was me and that maybe I was going through a premenopausal stage, but I’m finding that other older men still arouse me. How can I direct this love affair without hurting his feelings?

This is a new chapter in your sexual growth: teaching someone exactly how to please you. In the past, you may have relied on the experience of your partners, but now it’s up to you. Embrace this opportunity to become the architect of your own pleasure. Try to be confident enough to ask and learn what pleases him. Your new partner’s age is not the issue; many people under 30 are pretty good lovers. In any case, it is often the ability to communicate well that makes one appear to be a genius in the erotic arts. Somehow, your 28 year-old has missed out on some important information and is too shy to ask you how you like it. Be the teacher – and relish it!

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.


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