Written by his brother Paul, Chief Warrant Officer 2 William Ebeltoftâ€™s obituary begins: â€œNot everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there.â€
In it, he describes the hardships his brother, a Dickinson native, faced as he struggled to cope with the aftereffects of the war.
He thinks his brother would have done well in a military career, had it not been for Vietnam.
â€œI think Vietnam made him seek the comfort of home, as opposed to a career in the military. He just needed to be in a place where he felt loved and respected and supported, and that was home,â€ Paul said.
Sadly, Billâ€™s country did not make him feel loved, respected or supported upon his return. Bill returned to the U.S. not with his unit, but alone. He flew coach with his uniform on, was spit on and was treated poorly in airports.
â€œI donâ€™t know exactly on the flight what happened, but I get the impression that he was not honored for his service but derided for it â€” by some,â€ Paul said. â€œThat canâ€™t help but make you feel a little less enthused about your service, when the people you thought you were working for didnâ€™t share any pride or thankfulness or even common decency.â€
Bill was given no counseling when he came back from Vietnam. He went to work in Fort Lewis in Washington, where Paul visited him.
â€œHe was just there with other people like himself who had various degrees of trauma because of the war but they were just expected to get up in the morning, do their job, then meet at the officersâ€™ club when they were done â€” that was their counseling, meet at the officersâ€™ club,â€ Paul said.
Paul is certain his brother had post-traumatic stress disorder.
â€œHe experienced terrible things, and although the diagnosis was pretty much not existent at the time â€¦ If you withheld yourself, well, that was your right, and they didnâ€™t get very excited about discovering why,â€ he said.
Paul said that Billâ€™s PTSD made him â€œjumpyâ€ and that loud, unexpected noises affected him.
â€œHe coped with the recurrence of the war in his mind by trying to numb it. He drank â€¦ a lot, and he drank indiscriminately,â€ Paul said. â€œHe had a bout with an inflammatory disease, and he took some very powerful medication. They told him very directly and very forcefully, â€˜Bill, you cannot drink while youâ€™re on this medication. It is dangerous to do so. It will affect you.â€™ He drank anyway.â€
Samantha Tupy, a clinical psychologist with the Fargo VA, said people with PTSD have a higher risk of developing alcohol use disorder.
â€œIt tends to be a maladaptive way of coping, especially in our older folks that are Vietnam era. There wasnâ€™t as much education about mental health at that time,â€ she said.
Billâ€™s alcohol misuse lead to the development of a type of dementia called Korsakoffâ€™s syndrome.
â€œIn Korsakoffâ€™s, thereâ€™s no real short-term memory,â€ Tupy said. â€œYou could interact with them, leave the room, come back and they may not remember you. Itâ€™s a pretty awful dementia to have.â€
By the mid-1980s, Bill was starting to have psychotic breaks.
â€œHe was thinking he was back in Vietnam. A general was going to be coming to pick him up. He was going to fly a set of troops into the jungle. He was having periods where he just wasnâ€™t here. He was there,â€ Paul said.
Tupy refers to such an experience as disssociation, which can be mild or severe. On the far end of the spectrum, which Paul seemingly experienced, the person no longer knows where they actually are.
â€œTheyâ€™re no longer present in reality as we are. Theyâ€™re completely back in that memory. When that happens, which is a little more rare, they actually start acting out their traumas,â€ Tupy said.
Billâ€™s parents tried their best to help him . Over the next 10 years, they took Bill to the best programs they could find.
â€œThey tried so hard to bring him back, and it just was not to be,â€ Paul said. â€œIt got to the point where he was more gone than with us. He was elsewhere. He was in the war.”
In 1994, Billâ€™s family placed him in a veterans home in Columbia Falls, Mont.
It was Billâ€™s home for 26 years, until he died on Dec. 15.
â€œThey took such good care of him, my God,â€ Paul said. â€œThose nurses and CNAs and support staff, they deserve a medal the size of a soup plate. It wouldnâ€™t have been possible for my parents or me to give Bill up for 26 years to an institution but for the fact that it was a place like that.â€
Paul remembered visiting his brother. Paul and his wife would take Bill out to eat, to bowl, to shoot pool, to play cards, but after about four hours, heâ€™d be ready to go home.
â€œWeâ€™d bring him back and when he walked through the door, heâ€™d say, â€˜ Well, hello everyone.â€™ Heâ€™d call out to a nurse and the nurse would call out to him â€¦ Then heâ€™d say, â€˜Well, goodbye. Iâ€™m going to go down to the smoke shack. Weâ€™ll maybe see you tomorrow.â€™ And he was off, so you just didnâ€™t get the feeling that you were leaving him in an institution but rather among people who loved and enjoyed him, and they really did, for 26 years. Itâ€™s not a life that you and I would have enjoyed, but Billâ€™s mental condition allowed him to be happily confused there,â€ Paul said.
Paul said his brotherâ€™s dementia was complicated.
â€œHe viewed himself as he was in 1969, but he stuck everyone else in a pigeonhole that may or may not have been ’69, may have been the last time that he saw them.â€
His sons, Dave and Robbie, were 14 and 15 when Bill went to Columbia Falls. They went through school and college and didnâ€™t see him again until they were in their 30s with careers and families.
â€œIt was particularly interesting with my youngest son who by the time he had gone out to see Bill had married and had a beard and looked every bit as 31 or 32 years old as he was at the time, and Bill saw him and recognized him immediately,â€ Paul recalled. â€œThey got to talking and Dave took about a picture and said, â€˜This is my wife.â€™ And Bill said, â€˜My God, how can you be 14 and be married?â€™ He was just aghast at this little boy who was married, and here was this man in front of him.â€
Tupy said itâ€™s the long-term memories that remain.
â€œItâ€™s those earlier memories when youâ€™re a younger adult â€” those are still there and so often times people with dementia will think maybe theyâ€™re 18 years old but really theyâ€™re 95 or they think their nurse is their daughter or maybe their wife or their mother. Itâ€™s this lapse in time in their own mind,â€ she said.
Paul remembers Bill as a man who once had so much promise.
â€œItâ€™s a sadness that weâ€™ll never know what Bill could have accomplished but for the vicissitudes of war and his reaction to it â€¦ Thereâ€™s no question that the shot that brought my brother down was fired by the war in Vietnam.â€
If you or someone you know is struggling to cope with PTSD, visit www.ptsd.va.gov for more information.